Autobots and Space Cows
by Retired 5.01.2012
Summary: What happens when Farmer Prime has to deal with evil Mayor Megatron's plans for his three lovely daughters? gasp There is the tipping of space cows! In response to an interesting IM convo I read...enjoy! Not to be taken seriously!


This is a tribute to the wonderful folks at the tf2007fun lj community. :D

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Transformers and I most definitely don't own this plot. That honor goes to xxaxellexx and devlishkurumi. I'm only borrowing the plot so that I may have something to laugh about hysterically.

Enjoy!!

-

-

-

Optimus sat in his old oaken rocking chair, slowly rocking back and forth. The early evening chirping from the crickets and squawking of sleepy birds was punctuated only by the creaking of the old chair. Optimus chewed thoughtfully on the blade of grass in the corner of his mouth, sucking at the blade. His optics narrowed as he watched the neighbor's boy approach from down the lane. It was the young'un, Barricade. Optimus growled in his throat, loading his rifle and readying it.

"How ya doin, Mr. Prime?"

"Doin' just peachy, Barricade," Optimus growled, noting how the boy seemed to be looking for someone.

"What ya lookin' fer, son?"

"I just wanted ta know if Bumblebee was in, sir," the boy said, sweating a little. Optimus's optics narrowed slightly.

"You touch any of my three daughters and you'll find the hot end of this rifle up where the sun don't shine, boy," Optimus snarled, brandishing the weapon at Barricade. Barricade stood there, gaping at Optimus.

"Now get off my damn solar system, boy!"

Barricade stood stock still. He turned and knew why. His youngest daughter, Bumblebee, was standing on the porch with a tall glass of cold lemonade.

"Pa, I brought you some lemonade," Bumblebee said softly, lowering her azure eyes to the ground. The floaty yellow chiffon dress she wore ruffled slightly in the warm evening breeze. She nervously tugged on a long blonde, almost white, curl and looked up at her father.

"Thank ye, Bee. Now get inside and tell your sister to rustle up some food," Optimus said, ushering his young daughter inside. She paused by the doorframe, giving Barricade a shy little smile. Barricade grinned back at her and she giggled and blushed, dashing inside the house.

"Git, and don't you go trippin' on my asteroid belt, either," Optimus boomed, pointing down the dirt path that led to the town center. Barricade took off, shouting a 'good night' over his shoulder.

-

-

-

"Ratchet," asked lil' Bee.

"Yes, Bee?" Ratchet's voice was a smooth, melodious tone that Bee was jealous of. Ratchet had a soft, lilting accent. She had dark brown hair and startling green eyes, the beauty of the household. Bee had always been jealous of her sister's tall, willowy frame, saying that it wasn't fair that she had gotten all of the looks.

"Paw said that we should git dinner on the table soon," Bee said, clasping her hands behind her back and digging her bare toe into the carpet. Ratchet merely smiled and took her sister's hand, saying, "I think I'm gonna start teaching you how to cook, Bee."

Bee's eyes lit up brilliantly as she smiled, lighting the room up. Ratchet merely giggled and said, "Well, we'll be cookin' whatever Ironhide brings us home."

Ironhide was a totally different story. She was the complete opposite of her sisters. Where Ratchet wore a red-and-white gingham dress, Ironhide wore a pair of dirty overalls and a striped grey shirt. Where Ratchet would patch up the injured critters that Bee brought home, Ironhide could take them down with a well placed shot from her shotgun. Ironhide was the tom boy daughter of the household. Ironhide had black hair and grey eyes and a splash of freckles across her nose.

The door slammed open, making the spice cabinet on the wall shake dangerously. In came Ironhide with tree dead rabbits, dripping blood on the floor.

"Oh, Ironhide! Your rabbits are dripping blood on the floor!" Ratchet cried out in horror. The floors had just been mopped, too.

"Aw, quit yer belly achin'. I'll clean it up. Here ya go, sis," Ironhide said, tossing the three rabbits onto the counter near the sink. Ratchet tut-tutted and set to skinning and cleaning the rabbits. Remembering that Bee was watching silently, she said, "Come closer and I'll let you clean the other." 

"That's okay, Ratchet. I don't really want to touch it," Bee said, crinkling her nose up.

"Aw, Bee, stop whinin'. You won't ever find you a husband if you don't know how to cook," Ratchet said gently, setting her knife down.

"Stop botherin' the girl, Ratchet! She don't need no husband. She's only sixteen. She don' need to be lookin' for no husband at this age," Ironhide said from where she was kneeling on the floor, scrubbing at the rabbit blood.

"Quit it, Ironhide. The only reason I'm not married is because you can't run the house and Paw needs us," Ratchet snapped, her usually soft voice edged with knife-sharp anger.

"Sheesh, don't get yer petticoats in a bunch," Ironhide muttered, throwing the sodden rag onto the floor. Ratchet merely gave her a murderous glare, chopping the vegetables and meat with a little too much force. Bee backed away and sat at the kitchen table, her long gangly legs swinging back and forth gently.

Optimus entered the room, setting his rifle down at the door.

"Evenin' pa," the girls chorused.

"How are my girls tonight? That Barricade boy is no good," he muttered, planting a kiss onto Bee's head.

"Pa, I got us three rabbits for a stew t'night," Ironhide said, sitting back on her heels.

"Good job, Ironhide. Mm, that smells delicious, Ratchet," Optimus said as Ironhide brought him a plate with a piece of buttered bread on it. They enjoyed their stew in peace, no one mentioning Barricade or the strange happenings in the town.

-

-

-

The next day, Optimus decided that he was going to go into town for a few surprises for his daughters. As he was hitching his team up, he was interrupted by a shadow falling across him.

"Hello thar, Mayor Megatron," Optimus said, tipping his hat as he stood.

"Afternoon, Mr. Prime," Megatron's gravelly voice replied. He was wearing a silk top hat, far too fancy for the afternoon. He also wore a grey suit with a cream, purple pinstriped shirt beneath. Two gold cuff links winked from his cuffs. A thick gold chain led from his monocle to his pocket. A large, pink carnation dangled helplessly from his button hole, matching the gaudy pink stone on his cane. Optimus briefly wondered how Megatron could hold all the rings on his hands up.

"Yessir, how kin I help you?" Optimus asked, patting the horse beside him gently.

"Well, I do believe your mortgage is over due, Mr. Prime. However, I'm willing to extend your deadline for in exchange for a few thangs," Megatron said, giving Optimus a strange look.

"Overdue? I just paid you," Optimus said, his expression growing ugly.

"Naw, I don't have no records of it," Megatron said, sighing dramatically.

"What do you want from me," Optimus asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I won't beat around the bush any longer. I want your daughters," Megatron said, an evil smile on his face.

"WHAT?! You won't be touchin' none of my girls!" Optimus roared, drawing himself up to his full height, balling his fists.

"Calm down, old boy. I'm sure we can work out a repayment schedule," Megatron said, an evil smile curling on his face. Optimus mopped his forehead with a hand kerchief, trying not to lose control.

"Come inside and we'll talk about MONEY," he growled, leading the way to his house.

-

-

-

"Ratchet!"

"Yes, pa?"

"Fix up some food for our guest," Optimus said, spitting the word 'guest' out like a rotten grape.

"Yes, pa," Ratchet said quietly, looking up at Megatron through her eyelashes. Ratchet felt butterflies dancing in her stomach, and she almost dropped the plate she was ladling stew onto. She set the plate down in front of Megatron, blushing a little when he thanked her, smiling at her.

Ratchet immediately fled upstairs and flung herself onto her bed, hiding her face in her pillow. She started giggling softly.

"Ratchet?" came Bee's soft voice from beside her.

"Oh, hello, Bee. Is there anything that I can do for yeh?" 

"Oh no. Who was that man in th' kitchen?"

"The mayor," Ratchet said, biting her lip. If the mayor was in the kitchen, there was something wrong.

"Aw, shucks. What did Ironhide do this time?"

"I didn't do nothin'! Stop blamin' me!" Ironhide hollered from her side of the room. Bee and Ratchet started giggling and talking about the handsome man in the kitchen. Suddenly, Ironhide picked up her rifle, loading it.

"What's th' matter, Ironhide?" Ratchet said, standing immediately.

"It's that Starscream boy. Wait – thar's the Barricade boy, too," Ironhide said, narrowing her eyes. Ratchet lowered the barrel of the gun with her hands, knowing fully well that Ironhide was a trigger-happy girl.

"Calm down, Ironhide! Mebbe they're here to see pa," Ratchet said, trying to keep a level head.

"Let's sneak down," Bee said, taking her shoes off.

"You're gettin' your stockin's dirty," Ratchet moaned, trying not to slap the girl.

-

-

-

"You called, boss," Starscream said, running a hand through his dark brown hair.

"Yes I did, boy. You see, Mr. Prime here has decided to not pay his mortgage. I have decided that his land shall be forfeit if he don't pay back his loan of $300,000 by tomorrow," Megatron said, checking his gaudy gold pocket watch.

"But what does that have to do with us," inquired Barricade, his eyebrows furrowed together.

"Ah, that's the thing. I can't possibly take all three of his daughters for myself, Barricade," Megatron said, smirking at Optimus. This was the last straw for Optimus. He stood up and all but screamed, "OUTTA MY HOUSE! Don't touch mah asteroid belt, neitha."

Megatron left, chuckling, and his lackeys followed. Three sets of eyes watched them leave in shock and horror from behind the kitchen door.

Optimus sank down into a chair, his fingers at his temples.

"Pa?" Ratchet asked softly, motioning for Ironhide to get some water.

"Go back upstairs, girls, and start packing your things," he said wearily.

"But pa-"

"Do it," he said.

"Yes, pa," the three girls muttered, going upstairs.

-

-

-

Later on that evening, when everyone was sound asleep, Bee was woken up by loud, startled mooing. She peeked out of the window and saw Barricade. She opened it a crack and whisper/shouted at him, "What do ya want?"

"Bee, I'm so sorry bout earlier this evenin'. I didn' know that Megatron was up to tha' kinda stuff," Barricade pleaded quietly. Now, Bee may have been young and innocent, but she knew a liar when she saw one. He wasn't lying.

"Okay…"

"Please, Bee. Sorry for botherin' you, but I have to stop him," Barricade said, pacing below the window. Bee made herself comfortable on the windowsill, seating herself on the edge.

"What are you gonna do?"

"Tha's the thing, I don't know," he almost wailed, sitting on the ground in front of her. A soft pitter-patter of feet startled Bee. Ratchet's pale face loomed up beside her. She hissed, about to call pa, when Bee shushed her, saying, "He don't mean no harm. He wants to help pa." Ratchet nodded, sitting with her sister quietly.

"What Megatron needs is a woman's presence in his house," she said quietly, almost inaudibly.

"You're not sayin'-" Bee began, horrified.

"Yes, I am, Bee. I've come to like the fool, even though he may be evil," Ratchet said, burying her face in her hands. Barricade smacked himself in the forehead, groaning.

"Evil mayor meets evil house keeper. Chaos ensues," he muttered.

-

-

-

Bee was jumpy the next morning. It was unheard of for a girl to receive late night visitors. Optimus grunted as he stood up to go and milk the cows. Ratchet gathered up the plates and started washing, looking up through the window every few seconds. She dropped the plate with a crash when she heard her father bellow angrily. She rushed outside, drying her hands on her apron.

"GIT ME MAH RIFLE, RATCHET!"

"Why, pa?" Bee asked, her platinum blonde curls bouncing around her head.

"Those hoodlums!" 

"Pa, you aren't gonna go and scare that Starscream boy, are ya?"

"DON'T TRY AND STOP ME BEE!! THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!! HE'S GONE AND TIPPED THE SPACE COWS!!!!" Optimus screamed, storming closer and closer to the house.

Ironhide dashed into the kitchen, breathless with the prospect of shooting up some hoodlums.

"Pa, if you need help I'll go grab my gun," she shouted from the kitchen.

-

-

-

Megatron was strolling down the street when a lady caught his eye. She was wearing a beautiful, mint green day-gown and a darker green shawl over her shoulders. She was holding a lacy white parasol in equally white lacy gloves. Her face was obscured by a forest green hat, her deep brown curls cascading down her back. She was currently looking at a bouquet of red roses at the florists stand.

Megatron went closer, eager to see the young woman's face. He put a handful of coins on the table, saying, "A bouquet of beautiful roses for a beautiful lady?"

The woman looked up, startled to see him. He was pleasantly surprised with what he saw. Her skin was a creamy alabaster, with the barest hint of a blush spreading across her cheeks. She had a small, delicate nose and full, pink lips. Her bright green eyes were accentuated by her thick, black eyelashes.

"I am Megatron, miss," he said, placing a kiss on the back of her hand.

"My name is Ratchet," she said softly, dipping her head to him.

Megatron jerked in surprise as he recognized the name.

"You're-you're Prime's daughter."

"Yes, I am…"

Megatron was horrified that he was actually planning to kidnap and marry this young woman off to his less fortunate younger brother. His brother wasn't blessed with looks, taste, or talent. He was simply just 'there'. Megatron suddenly felt terrible for doing or saying anything at all to Optimus.

"Miss, I'm terribly sorry fer causing you a scare yesterday. Please accept my deepest apologies," he said, sweeping his hat off in a bow. Ratchet smirked. Her plan had worked.

-

-

-

Bee came running up to Ratchet, her gold-colored dress flapping about her knees, and flung her arms around her older sister. Barricade stood in the shadows, watching this loving display between the siblings. Megatron had finally decided to not hurt the family. He had even gone as far as to apologize profusely, paying down Prime's debt, _and_ building him a new barn. Needless to say, Optimus was a heck of a lot more inviting after Megatron had proclaimed his love for Ratchet. Optimus had called in an old mountain tradition by having Ratchet make Megatron carry a basket of stones down the main street.

They were to be married later on that year.

Bee looked up at Barricade shyly. Ratchet smiled at the young love beside her, and turned away to give the couple a few moments of privacy.

"Barricade? Don't leave me, 'kay?"

"I won't, Bee. I think I likes you too much," Barricade said, smiling back at Bee.

"Aw, shucks," Bee said, digging the point of her shoe into the ground.

Ratchet smiled at the bouquet of daisies and lilies in front of her.

Things were good down in the boonies.

-

-

-

I hope y'all enjoyed…as much as you could…with this wonderful, Monster energy drink fueled mess of southern accent butchery…


End file.
